


Guiding Light

by beautyinsteadofashes



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hallucinations, Harm to Children, Homophobic Language, Season/Series 03, Slow Burn, Time Travel, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, e.g. Maggie's Parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2018-12-26 12:41:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12059196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautyinsteadofashes/pseuds/beautyinsteadofashes
Summary: Winn and Kara are both in difficult places as we pick up six months after he lost his friend and her her boyfriend. Supergirl and Catco have lost all meaning and the gang is desperately trying to reach Kara through all the chaos. The warning signs of Lyra's treatment of Winn deteriorate further as his new position at the DEO and her work with the Guardian puts pressure on their relationship. James has found a new lease on life and love with office rival and Cat Grant favourite Victoria while Mon El's location still remains a mystery. Wedding Plans are well under way for Sanvers but Alex can't help worrying about her father and sister in all this whilst J'onn and Lena too are distracted and Winn and Lena's family demons finally come out to play. In all this chaos Winn and Kara slip closer and closer together in their weekly game nights clinging to some semblance of normalcy.





	1. Kara Danvers Was A Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for coming along. Let me know what you think of the pacing as I may speed up the process if it's dragging too much and add in another big bad. I hope you enjoy please read and review.

SIX MONTHS AFTER THE DAXAMITE INVASION:

 

The rapping was a welcome distraction. It was constant and relentless and annoying but it cut through the darkness of her disheveled apartment and drowned out the incessant honking and obnoxious Perd Hapley broadcast about how Supergirl had lost her touch. The nerve of it all. She had had enough. The covers were a far better sanctuary. If all they wanted was the invincible warrior and not the human girl that had suffered enough then fine that was what they'd get...but not yet. Not now. Then the noise stopped...Only to start again.

"Go away!" Kara groaned flipping to the other end of the bed and flinging a pillow in the direction of that stupid vibrating door.

"Come on Kara! I know you can see me!" Winn's shrill voice ached in her ears as her x-ray vision confirmed it was in fact him. What? Did they take turns? Her head fell face first into the covers with a whine, matted golden curls falling around her face.

"I just want to be left alone!"

"You know that ain't good for you.Just let me in!"

"Why?" She moaned dragging out the word

"I bought food?"

"Pizza and pot stickers?"

"You know it!" Far too much pep for this particular day but the food was worth it and the company healthy so she pulled herself up from the bed.

"Fine...Use your key..."She breathed covering the bruises and last night's black combo in a cream knitted cardigan and pulling her nightmare of a hair day into a bun.

The girl Winn found in the dark was a far cry from the one six months ago. She was sullen and uninspired with her apartment in shambles. "Geez Kara this place is a sight and in it's five in the afternoon?! Did you just get up?!"

The winter darkness had come earlier and earlier as the chill set in and it had seemed to welcome her. The night grew longer in winter and it was more calming and all encompassing. She could disappear right into its blanket of stars and not feel a thing. But Flying had only filled the void for so long. "Surprise. Kryptonians are nocturnal" she snatched the food without warning.

"Wait no!" Winn snatched the boxes back receiving a glare that made his blood run cold but he held his ground. At least in that, he had grown. "What's the deal with you?"

"What do you mean?" She kept that same harsh look with the tension just radiating off her.

Her hair was a mess her clothes bloodied and muddy. What in God's name?! "This! Th-th-This angry hermit of person! Who are you right now?"

"I am dealing with it in the best way I know how!" she did that horrid dreadful thing again where her strength brimmed right beneath the surface and she got right in his face and God if he wasn't so mad he knew he'd be quaking.

"Oh! By getting hurt!? That's the what the cardie's for right? So I wouldn't notice?! Kara, you were....You were fine. You were handling it. You were holding up your job and your friends. Taking a break from the DEO I understood after everything but it's been two weeks. Noone has seen. Noone has even heard from you. W-what are you doing?" That rush of anger slowly faded to concern.

"It's nothing Winn, I'm fine. I just can't be around there anymore." She took the food back and he joined her sitting on the couch.

"Why? What's going on?"

"It makes me feel human" she admitted through a mouthful of pizza "And I'm not"

His brows dropped and eyes narrowed as he felt her slipping away from all of them. "What do you mean?"

"I mean being Kara Danvers was a mistake! Fabricating this whole life of rainbows and sunshine. I'm not that person. I'm not a mid-twenties budding journalist. I'm a thirty something alien who was stuck in a coma for her half her life!"

"What does that have to do with Catco?"

"People get hurt when I try to have both!" she finally cracked a little and it was almost pleasant to see. To know this was really her shining through for a brief moment but he felt the fear in her voice. He knew that pain.

"No you mean **you** get hurt! People get hurt either way, Kara. You know this. We've talked about this. Why- why give up now?"

"It was our anniversary two weeks ago. It seemed like the right time. Now please go"

His eyes widened for a moment as his cheeks flooded at the thought that he hadn't known. "Kara I-..."

"Leave!"

"James and Cat will keep your job open as long as they can and J'onn will have you back when you're ready" He gave the obligatory messages from all her loved ones as this week's baby sitter and slunk out the door. As he drove home he couldn't help but wonder over how far she had fallen. How deeply she had slipped in such a short time.

They'd given her two weeks of breathing space that first time. To throw herself into her work and to forget about it but when the time came to check in she actually seemed...happy? Like she was coping. There had been a tiredness to her manner and tone. An exhaustion no sleep would fill but not this harsh bristled creature.

 

_"I don't need company right now"_ Her voice swum around his head as his key's hit their bowl in his living room and he slumped into the welcoming dark turquoise sofa. " 

_TWO WEEKS AFTER THE DAXAMITE INVASION:_

_Yeah well, I do. Lyra is great and all but sometimes you just need a break and-"_

_"Ew gross! Winn!" She had laughed and swatted at him in her usual way corrupted by her own dirty mind. So what had changed? What had happened to that girl?_

_"No! Not like that...Well yeah phew! but just...ick people!" He'd shuddered at the thought of the busy world and chattering crowds and smiled softly as she buried herself beneath the blankets echoing that sentiment._

_"Tell me about it"_

_"Hey hey hey!" he had wrestled for the covers as she groaned and whined, finally managing to expose her "No, no more hiding. We are eating takeout and watching musicals and you are going to at least try to be happy ok? Just for one night. Take your mind off it? Promise?"_

_"Fine but I'm eating all the potstickers!"_

_"A boy scout always comes prepared!" He'd whipped out a second pizza for himself covered in Kara-repellant anchovies and for a moment she had actually smiled._

 

What he would give to be back in that warm glowing apartment that day rather than in this empty cold shell of a place. Lyra was out as always and James had his new girl and so he was left...quite alone.

 

 

"Supergirl will come back and when she does we have to be ready. We have to be reporting on the hopeful few that remain. Those that are standing are for justice in her absence to...inspire her to get back into the field. Wherever she may be...." Cat trailed off as her eyes wandered to Kara's old desk.

"She is back" James tried to encourage gently but the CEO quickly countered in that usual contemplative tone.

"Not fully. You of all people must have noticed the lack of energy, of spark. The strain her blaze approach is putting on the police and /other/ crime fighters of this city..." she sipped her coffee as the sun slowly rose and workers started to seep into the office. "So where is she?"

"We're working on it" James voice, at last, slipped to a soft honesty which was enough for Cat and with a quiet nod she dismissed him.

"James wait, change the headline to Supergirl No More....See if that provokes her. Two whole weeks that girl has made me wait. I need a good story"

James found himself checking Kara's desk one last time. Every day was the same. The barrage of orders from Cat who refused to leave on vacation until the real Supergirl would please stand up - her words. Supergirl had been fighting crime happily at first after..."what happened"...then less energetically...then solemnly, Now barely at all. What had gotten into Kara?

"Ready to go?" a sudden peck to his cheek shook James from his thoughts and brought a beam to his face and Cat's frustrating voice rattling in his head once more tugging him back in time.

 

_TWO WEEKS AFTER THE DAXAMITE INVASION:_

_"Look, I know you haven't had the most illustrious love life"_

_"Excuse me?" He had been thrown at the sudden infiltration of privacy. Then again this was the Queen of frankness Cat Grant. He shouldn't have been surprised._

_"Between that goddess Lucy Lane and little Kierra and whatever happened back at The Planet you have been left quite alone Mr. Olsen and I am about to change that" She swanned about the office as if this was just another business deal not possibly the rest of his life was orchestrating right now._

_"How exactly?" he amused her for a moment out of curiosity._

_"Well ever since Carter and Adam have come back into my life I've felt the need to give back. To connect with other working moms, plus it looks good on the resume. So...I've been a part of a coffee group or book club or whatever silly thing the suburban moms come up with next but the point being...I found you a date"_

_"Aren't single moms are little too cautious to take blind dates?" They had kids to account for right?_

_"That's why she'll be at the press event tonight." She had chirped and busied herself shutting down the lights and computer while he laughed._

_"Of course! of course, you would only spring this on me with hours to spare."_

_"Enjoy!"_

 

But she had been right Victoria was everything he needed. Driven, creative, caring...gorgeous. With her dark glossy hair pulled back and the prim short dress she was every bit the professional and her smile was so warm and wide at times he had to stop for a moment. But that was all only honeymoon phase butterfly feelings, beneath all that she was fascinating and intelligent and he assumed an amazing mother.

They left for lunch hand and hand chatting over Morrocan about everything from sports to her son and back. Never about work. Cat had plucked her up from her PR job and placed her in Catco much to his behest at first. He had thought he was the new deputy head and everything was going smoothly and now she had outstripped in work and Cat's favor yet their romance still somehow managed to bloom despite all that bubble beneath the surface. It wasn't that he wasn't man enough to take such changes, Cat, Kara, Lucy they were all powerful women but it meant he adjusted back into the Arts Department rather than the leading stage and that was an odd change. If anything the rivalry had added to their office fling.

 

 

"You seem mopey, diddums, Boop!" Lyra saved Winn from falling asleep just in time with a tap to the nose as she suddenly appeared at his desk.

"Didn't get much sleep?'

"No, actually" he tried not to bite, getting up from his seat to check the main screen "I waited up for you"

"Oh well, no need to worry, love. I was fine"

"Not what I meant" he sighed preparing the brief for J'onn who would arrive any minute. Alex had felt strained with the stress of Kara and the wedding and so Winn had stepped up into a more leadership position over the past few months. Operations almost solely ran throw him and his minions freeing up Alex to take some time off here and there and J'onn to go out more in the field. It was a good change. refreshing and rewarding, but a lot of responsibility.

"Oh, baby, I'm sorry. Let me make up to you, hm?" she slipped into his eye line intentionally and adorably seeking his full attention with a sweet little pout "Um Pizza and Board Games? Or museum sneaking again?'

"Look, Lyra not here, please. I'm busy" he brushed passed her and back to his desk regardless of how tempting her offers were or how much he did genuinely love her he had bigger fish to fry right now.

"Tonight then?"

"Yeah, tonight....wait" he suddenly realized something as she turned to walk away and it shook him slightly "Did you and James go out without me?"

"You don't have as much time anymore, darling" she pecked him quick. "It's OK, we understand...." she smiled with a wrinkle of her nose and padded off.

Team Guardian had to go on, He guessed, but still...it felt a little wrong

 

 

With Supergirl acting alone the DEO was run out if it's feet. Kara could only catch so many crooks on super hearing alone and the tasks she normally excelled in had to be filled by extra men. When they did arrive to the same scene Kara was all business, quick and aloof, in and out job done. It was startling to see and unnerving to watch as she slowly had whithered from bright and optimistic to this empty shell over the past six months. It kept J'onn and Alex distracted in their duties as every other thought to drifted to her or every other mission was connected to her in some way. Even in the midst of J'onn training Winn and Alex planning her wedding with Maggie their minds still wondered. It was hard, not to...they were a family. Maggie and Winn tried their best to break through, to keep them smiling and happy but it only went so far. M'gaan now and then word emerge from the shadows and Winn would sigh in relief as J'onn unwound for a day or two at a time for once. Then she'd slip back into hiding again and the enthusiasm would fade as Kara's absence revealed how integral she had been all along. It ached for all of them to be without her.

 

 

And yet, in her eyes at least, that pain was nothing compared to her own agony. They at least knew where she was. Mon-El was out there somewhere, anywhere, in time or space, he could be dead or dying and she could be old and gray by the time he returned if he ever did at all. Where Flying had brought a numb neutrality to her senses, cool and calming, it maintained a sense of control over her life which soon lost its comfort. She wanted mindlessness, to be taken completely out of her body and away from the pain rather than just holding onto her life and friendships by a thread. So that brought her Here, Now.

The crowd cheered and beer flew. Metal platters clattered against the chained lining and sand crunched beneath boots. The bunker was full of sweat and smoke and thick hot air as the crowd pressed further and further in. But they couldn't get passed the cage. The chains that hung from the roof in a sloppy lattice formation rattled and clanged as she and her opponent circled one another. Blood was racing throw her veins the lack of sunlight and sleep heavy in her bones but her heart pounding with exhilaration all the same, despite her chances. her hair pulled back and her clothes black from head to head she had formed another person altogether. No Kara, No hero, just pure Kryptonian. Then the bell sounded and the hits came. Sweet relief. Money exchanged hands, men cheered, women cheered, others heckled, the colorful assortment of aliens and human were in uproar at the power of the fight. Powers were used freely, scars and blood and burns and breakages all free game so long as they were healable. But that was little matter to her in this state. She wanted the suffering, the punishment, to feel like the fool she thought she was. Blood trickled from her lip as wounds quickly healed and sweat poured down her face but she remained unharmed in this stupid Kryptonian state. If only there was some way to meet her proper match. To really feel challenged on her back foot and really take a beating. Even with Roulette gone this underground scene had remained. You cut off one ugly head and another grows in its place so what was the point in ratting them all out. They do something for her, she gives something to them. However, in the tiniest dustiest little corner of her mind, some sense remained. A little hopeful sunshiny Kara Danvers was waiting to get back out. To feel alive and free again instead of all this misery and it was that little part of her mind with begged her to stop, it was that tiny slither that remembered how stupid this all was and it was for that reason that she paused long enough to catch M'gaan's eye in the crowd.


	2. The Shortest Straw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. University has been manic but at least it's a little longer this time so i hope that makes up for it. I've changed the names to suit spoilers but I think I'm going to stop putting this off in order to incorporate every little spoiler that comes along and instead let this take it's own path. Thank you all for sharing my Tumblr posts and please read and review.

Chapter Two: The Shortest Straw

The wind whistled through the tight streets of National City. Skyscrapers towered over the pavement and pressed in against the air. That tense damp air rushed passed him sending frozen needles of rain hurtling passed and stabbing into his skin and caused him to tug his black hood in closer. His broad shoulders huddled up tensed against the elements and his steps hastened at the ominous feeling this weather brought the Martian. J’onn’s sharp focus remained dead ahead as his ploughed on through the rain getting closer and closer to his destination amongst these lonely streets. The hour was the late and he stuck to side streets leaving him quite alone, bar a few shift workers. It was that quiet empty plane with the howling winds and whipping raindrops that highlighted the figure behind him: a tail.

The DEO agent dove down an alley, then another, up a fire escape and across the roof of a building and down the other side, the tail fell away in a blur that almost made him believe he had imagined it until he saw that same figure across the street. His mind ever conscious of their presence feeling their energy at the corner of his mind J’onn pressed on to the safe house in hopes that he could take the figure in the narrow confines of the stairwell. The building would be blown but not the room number and As he reached the subject could be moved. The decrepit sickly green lit stairwell invaded the nose with the damp of mildew and the burn of charred dust. The dirt-covered concrete stairs slipped beneath foot and sent small puffs of billowing dust into the air from the heavy weight of his boots. Ducking behind the first turn in the stairs he listened for the approaching footsteps onto the street and paused. It was only then in that quiet moment with the pounding of his heart in his airs and his gun read at his cheek that his recognized that click of the shoe and that sensation in his mind: M’gaan. Then she appeared confirming his thoughts and at last banishing all fears. There had been no tail. But that did not mean there would be no scolding.

“What were you thinking arriving so late? What if I had found the house abandoned and thought you were missing?!” he tugged her inside by the arm out of the rain but her black glistening hood remained oddly in place.

“I had to think. I have much to tell you” She brushed past him and up the stairs as her voice slipped away into the night with a strange distracted tone. He was tempted for a moment to slip into her thoughts but pushed the notion away. They hurried in silence up to the soundproof and welcoming living room of the tiny apartment.  Only then did M’gaan remove her jacket to reveal the dirtied grey tank top and the crimson gash across her cheek.

“You went back” He reached for her only for her to slip away still distant despite her confession.

“Only to help” She fetched the first aid kit from the top of the shelf in the kitchen and came back to join him on the sofa as she noticed his thoughts to had slipped away. “You knew I would…” M’gaan reached for his arm hoping that was all that was troubling him and to avoid the conversation to come. She offered him the kit with questioning brow and pulling his elbows back from his knees and his knotted fingers back from his lips they, at last, gave each other their full attention.

Whatever bond they shared was still new and frightening. It echoed there beneath each gesture and word and kept them tethered across long distances and empty days. Her need to hide and his loyalty to his family kept parts of themselves hidden away and yet this close tender kindness of caring for her in spite of his anger touched her heart. She almost managed to sink into that happy moment and let her news seep away into the warmth of his skin and yet she reeled herself back. “I saw a familiar face tonight?”

He stiffened suddenly the damp cotton ball pausing by her cheek. “Roulette?”

“No” her eyes fell and a strand of dark hair slipped free to shield the graze. He was already anxious it wouldn’t ruin any kind of peace between them to tell him now so she may as well. Then her eyes rose again cautious at first then certain as she saw his concern. He must know. “Kara” she stated firmly watching as this news shifted through his face: from his eyes to his brows, to his mouth then finally settling in a tense jaw.

Pulling away J’onn instantly rationalized and justified the notion to himself. “She must have some scheme”

“No she-“ M’gaan’s voice dropped to a tender pitied whisper and she reached for him gently but she could not stop himself from pulling away. The comfort, the kindness only solidified that Kara was committing some kind of betrayal in her eyes. “She was fighting and…it wasn’t like the last time. She wasn’t scanning the room or making a play she was only in that ring and she was letting herself lose”

“Like you” he sighed as his head fell into his hands.

“Like me” she nodded softly shifting closer to rub his back gently. “Even I can see that these past few months have been tough on you all. Speak to her”

“She won’t come in” his fingers once against slipped together and resting against his chin betraying his busy my mind. “She only wants to be Supergirl”

“but Supergirl needs the DEO!”

“And we need her” he murmured.

 

“Ok, we've got a burglary of ammunitions warehouse on Tremaine and First. We’ll meet you th-ere!” Winn squeaked into the com as the van pitched and rattled.  Lyra floored it and sent the van barrelling through the streets. “Hey! Easy! I’m barely strapped in back here!”

The pair hurried through National City run off their feet and dividing their resources with the demand. James was dealing with a gang conflict on the docks while Lyra had stopped a hold up in a corner store and now it was all hands on deck to get these weapons back out of the wrong hands. That was the last thing they needed. More armed goons and more crime. Kara was really letting the side down. If there was only some way to bring her back into the fold…even if it was only through Team Guardian to start with. There was only so much they could all take separately before they all burnt out and he knew it was coming. James did too. Lyra was more thriving on the adrenaline.

The DEO, Guardian and Supergirl all did the best they could but there were nights where they were just outnumbered or weekends where she wouldn’t even make an appearance and all. Whenever he tried to mention on their Thespian Thursdays she would simply fix him with that look and turn back to the musical on the tv.

As Lyra and James got to work on the mission Winn’s eyes drifted to the assortment of tech and gear scattered about the van. For a moment, a shadow slipped across his blue eyes and the lips scrunched to one side then his attention was quickly ripped away and forced back into the task at hand and assisting the team.

 

Maggie spotted Alex in the kitchen with a thought stopped in mid-air, her phone clenched a tight fist and brushing it’s corner back and forth over her bottom lip as the grapefruit just rolled right off the bench, the dork. Yet as Maggie startled her fiancé by quickly catching the fruit and nudging her gently the cop knew something more was behind that adorable dazed look. 

“Shit sorry…” Alex took the grapefruit back and started slicing before feeling Maggie wrap her arms around her middle and rest her chin on her shoulder.

“Still no reply huh?”

“I’m sure she’s just busy.”

“With what? If it was work we would know?”

“I don’t know but she’s been like this all weekend, every weekend, for months!” the tension slowly rose in Danvers’ voice as she turned around in her girlfriend’s arms with an exasperated sigh.

“Hey…” Maggie brought those worried eyes back down to hers “Go talk to her”

“She’s never home” Alex shrugged dismayed.

“True…” she nodded softly. “Maybe corner one of her squeaky friends. They’ll rat her out if they’re worried too”

“What you want to put your moves on Winn again?”

“My moves huh?” Maggie flashed that signature bright smile that took up her whole face leaning in for a peck.

“Mhm. Your magic policewoman powers.” Alex beamed with a wrinkle of her nose enjoying just sitting in the peace of that kiss for a moment. “But yeah I need to track her down”

“You have a big question for her”

“Yeah…” Alex exhaled finishing making breakfast and handing Maggie a bowl but the cop’s eyes narrowed.

“What you don’t think she can hack it?”

“Normally yes” They crossed over to curl up on the couch with bowls snuggled in their laps. “But recently…No. She’s…so distant and…not her peppy self at all…”

“Well, she suffered a pretty major trauma…it happens”

“Yeah but it’s like she’s hit some second slump. She was doing great for a while there”

“Well then let’s give her something to look forward to”

 

“Mr Olsen!” the shrill of Cat’s voice cracked through the aching surroundings of his sleep-deprived brain and brought the entire office to a halt he trudged to her door. “Tardiness is the enemy of productivity, correct?”

“Yes ma'am”

“So? Where have you been?” she had to forcibly lead him through the conversation as if it’s route was office as she stood there with an elbow cushioned in her palm and impatient hand scooped through the air.

“Physio?” James’s face contorted in tired confusion at this sudden change in behaviour. In recent weeks they had come to an impasse and come out equals and friends and now this third degree?

“Evidentially not a good one” she breathed running her eyes over him before waltzing over to murmur to him in a hushed tone. “Am I going to have to report on a certain saviour of the night dropping dead in the middle of the street?”

“No, ma'am”

“Good!” the serious tone was suddenly swept away with her usual suave positivity. “Because If I do I will personally dig you up, have Maxwell Lord bring you back to life and send you to a life coach is that understood?”

“Yes ma’am” He knew his exhausted showed and the strain of juggling everything in the recent weeks had affected his work but her concern shook him a little. Cat normally ran a rather laisse faire institution when it came to her heads and so if she was stepping in how bad had he actually gotten? Also with that off her chest, a strange inaccessibility still hung about her that he assumed was the cause for the preaching. What had her rattled? Supergirl? No Kara?

“Run along!”

“Hey…” Samantha didn’t give him a second to breathe but her concern, at least, was welcoming as they walked back to his desk. “What was that about? Are you ok? Cause you look like hell…” she breathed a laugh he couldn’t quite share in.

“Fine, just up late work-…I missed this morning, didn’t I? I’m so sorry…”

“it’s fine. We can do breakfast with her another time” Samantha waved off the notion of meeting her daughter Ruby, evidently it wasn’t meant to be yet and that was OK. In fact, she welcomed it because the prospect was pretty frightening.

“No, I want to meet her. It’s important to you” They rounded the corner and he quickly grabbed her shoulders making her meet his eye.

“It is”

“How about tonight? Dinner at mine. We can watch a movie with popcorn and board games” he beamed when she laughed at his ‘cool dad’ attitude. “What does she like?”

“Star Trek actually?”

“Really?”

“Yeah…she’s been really retro later”

“Cool. I can dig retro. Winn can set me up”

“I’ll see you tonight then” she pecked him quick as Cat’s sharp call came again, this time for her. “You’d better get to work before we’re both fired”

 

“Easy Mr Schott! The world isn’t going to run out of lettuce?” Lena teased as she came back from the ladies room to their table for lunch

“Sorry” he mumbled through a mouthful of salad because apparently the Luthor’s lunched in multiple courses. “I skipped dinner last night…”

Lena perchedana expectant brow with a soft smirk.

“And breakfast this morning…” he grumbled caught out.

“You really have to stop doing that. The world won’t fall apart without you”

“Yeah but my friends might. Everyone is so strung out”

“Including you” she beamed with a chuckle.

“Me? No I’m fine!” he protested downing another glass of water.

“Winn” she tilted to her chin to stare him down full and proper and he knew she meant business. “We’re friends now…you can tell me?”

The Guardian was still off the table, so was Kara’s identity, and that his girlfriend was an alien because who knew where she stood on that kind of thing these days so left him with little to truly tell. “I’ve been doing more work at the Deo recently, longer hours, more responsibility, it’s not fair”

“And you miss Kara”

“And…I mean yeah, I worry about her, you do too? But like” a breathed mocking laugh tumbled through his exaggerated self-deprecating words exposing his frustration “ life keeps going on whether you want it to or not. It’s-“

“Exhausting”

“Yeah…Hey how are you? Last time that arms dealer guys was floating around? What was his name…Edgelord or something?”

“Morgan”

“Yeah, is he still giving you trouble?”

“He is, but it’s nothing I can handle. I’m more concerned about the monument unveiling and that I haven’t seen Kara in days. Do- do you think she’s still mad at me?”

“What it’s ready?! That’s so exciting-“ his mind finally caught up with what she had said ripping away the childlike excitement of a Supergirl statue “Oh…oh wow um…I honestly don’t know. I mean…I did it too. We both made at the bomb together and if she’s willing to me see every week then maybe you’re just hiding out here for no reason?”

“Honestly?”

“Yeah, I mean what have you go to lose right?”

 

 

“Miss Danvers, a word” J’onn beelined straight for her as Kara made a rare appearance at the headquarters. Supergirl charged straight for the armoury as he stayed hot on her tails.

“Look I just came for resources to take down Psi and then I’m back out of your hair alright?”

“Yes we’ve been following Miss March and her cousin for weeks now. We can assist-“ but she whipped around on him without warning

“I don’t /need/ your help.” J’onn frowned for a second at the absence of her eyes they were dark and fiery but hollow and lifeless lacking her old worry or nerves or passion simply threatening with no more behind it. “What I need is to get to the armoury.”

“I can’t let you do that” he held firm

“You what?!” However when she raised her voice he had to tug her aside as heads were already turned at the sight of her, let alone an outburst.

“I know what you’ve been doing and I want you to stop this nonsense right now!” he demanded under his breath in the shade of the meeting room.

Kara’s hands came up to her hips and her eyes narrows. “What are you talking about?”

As always what Kara lacked in lying ability she made up for in commitment. “M’gaan saw you and I don’t want you putting yourself in anymore danger”

“I put myself in danger every day! It is not you /job/ to protect me! It is your /job/ to help me! Now if you don’t mind-“ she tried to brush passed him and back on her war path but once transformed his strength was a more cunning match for hers and he caught her upper arm.

“Actually, I do mind and if you don’t want to protect you anymore then that’s fine but I /do/ protect Alex and If you don’t tell her. I will”

Thankfully Kara never made it to the armoury because if she had Winn would’ve been in a world of trouble. Well, if she still cared about rules and that kind of thing.

“Lyra! Stop it! You can’t be in- “she cut in off with another heated kiss as the ducked between shadows.

“I just wanted to spend time with you” she pouted nestling their bodies tightly together and draping her arms around his neck.

“That’s all well and good but you can’t see the weapons”

“But I want to” she whined softly. “And we always do what you want?”

“Actually, we don’t but that’s not the point. The point is you’re not allowed”

“Please. Just one little peak. To help with Team Guardian” a full baby eyed pout came on her face with a raised finger before the hot-blooded women pushed away the child inside and a devilish smirk came onto her face. “No one else is down here…I’ll make It worth it”

“Fine….just don’t-. I said don’t touch anything! God J’onn is going to kill me!”

“Relax, darling, we’ll be out in a jiffy!” the ex con-woman’s eyes gleamed as she ran a delicate finger over the glistening blue veins of the alien technology.

“Oh yeah? And then what? You’re just going to come back and raid the place like you did with the museum? Take these all out for a spin?’ The gun suddenly lost all interest for her as she turned on him hurt and baffled at his sudden fears.

“I told you I wouldn’t do that again!”

“Yeah but if you lied then-“

“Winslow!” he felt his inside shrivel up and shrink back inside himself as she stalked her way closer. “I thought you trusted me?”

“I did. I do but…um” she was towering right over him and his concerns felt foolish and insignificant…and wrong. He had hurt her. Distrusted her. “Nothing…” his eyes fell away

“I want to be an agent!” she suddenly pepped up after that lull and swirled back around to tap her heels back across to the display case.

“You what?” he peeled himself back off the wall.

“I think I’m ready. I’ve had enough practice with James and I come here and spend so much time with you that I basically know the place inside and out and you did say you wanted me to get a “proper job” “ the air quotes made him feel small and overbearing but he was too busy dealing with the idea of her actually coming her to work.

“You but why?’

“It’d be fun!” she picked up a gun and pretended to aim.

“Lyz…” he sighed.

“What is that not reason enough?”

“No it’s just…..”

“What?” she flicked her eyes on him again. How to say this? How not to rile her up or wound her. He didn’t want to hurt her. He couldn’t do that to someone he cared so deeply for and yet he tried, just this once, to speak his mind.

“I just don’t think it’s maybe not the best idea….” His hands slipped into his pockets and his fingers scratched through his hair. As his shoulder hunched up around his ears his eyes wearily raised from the floor to find her lips pursed and her jaw set firm.

“Why not?” she demanded sternly.

“Well…” his eyes fell away

“Do you not think I could do it? I could take on anything, anyone , any man! Have I not proven myself with you and little gang plenty of times already? Do you not want me here with you? Am I annoying? Is that it…Do you just not want me in your little space…”

“No that’s-“

“Don’t you think it’d be fun? We’d be together all the time and I could go on missions and have the excitement and I wouldn’t be a bother at home anymore. And we’d work the same hours and I’d be great at it! You know I would! I’m brave and strong and quick on my feet and why don’t you want all that!?”

“Because you’re not ready!” he finally snapped and spoke his mind before softening with a shrug. “You’re not” and his heart broke as her face fell. “Y-you-…you’re impulsive and still t-too…too unyielding in your attacks. Y-you could…you could really hurt somebody a-and…while you and James get on a lot better now that took months and so I don’t think you’re ready for a team”

With a word, only a broken look, Lyra left revealing an awkward Alex in the hall.

Winn groaned at the sight of her. “Seriously, are you ever not a ninja?”

“What was that about?”

“Just Guardian things…she wants more”

“And you just told her that she basically isn’t good enough” she gently nudged him to see it from her side as he leant over the bench with outstretched arms and a fallen head and she leant back against it

“I-….Yeah…”

“Sucks to be you. Give her the night. It’ll all feel easier in the morning” she punched him softly before collecting the box she needed and turning to leave. However, at the door his voice cut through the soft fluorescent light hum in the silence.

“Is that what you’re doing with Kara? Giving her space and time”

 

Still in uniform Kara punched a pillow and then tore it right open with a frustrated grown glaring at the billowing cloud of feathers and fluff that burst forth. J’onn had gotten under her skin, inside her head, robbing her of her calming late night fly and preventing her from heading to another fighting meet to relieve all this horrid tension.

How could she have been so stupid as to let herself be seen? She knew M’gaan was trying to take down the ring, to get young girls out, she should’ve picked that night would be the night it all changed. Weeks and days had been hurtling towards a head and perhaps this was it. Perhaps this was the turning point she didn’t even know she had been waiting for, a fork in the road that would take her out of this dark decrepit slump and back something closer to normalcy.

Things would never be normal. How could they be? She had put herself entirely out there, completely online and it hadn’t end horrendously. He had been ripped away from her completely and her heart had shattered more than she ever thought possible. The city had been saved, perhaps the world even, but at what cost? How could she find the energy each day to go on as Supergirl , to live the double life and the happy façade of Kara Danvers when she nothing in between. She had no life, or love or warm glow of home to speak of. Nothing to tie it all together and make her feel safe. The only way to get that back was to reach out but that only put others in danger and started the cycle again.

A sudden knock in the darkness shook her mind awake. A scan of her eyes showed Alex and pizza and magazines. Still reeling from all her mind was processing Kara quickly slipped into autopilot changing, flicking on the lights and plastering on a brilliant smile and tying a peppy bouncy ponytail.

Alex flinched at the sudden burst of light beneath the doorframe. “Kara?”

“Coming!” The elder Danvers frowned at the sudden exuberance to her voice. It was almost like the old Kara was back but that couldn’t be possible? She had been a shattered mess only days before.

The door flung open and with a squeaky “Yummy!” her younger sister snatched the box from her with grabby hangs. Magazines and all.

“The uh-…” Alex closed the door behind her still confused. “The potstickers fell all through the car sorry….”

“No problem” a slice was already half way to her mouth. “Oo magazines! Have you come to do what I think you have? I’m going to be your maid of honour aren’t i?” she chortled and fanned herself with a cheeky grin that Alex couldn’t quick comprehend.   


“Ah yes, I hoped you would”

“I would be honoured! Come here” Kara had plunged herself head first into the old Kara bubbly persona and all but somehow between the pizza and the hug a little crack split open in her heart.

Alex held her close closing her eyes for a moment in relief and cradling her head. She was here. Really here and hugging her back and smiling and almost happy. Almost, Alex’s face fell over her sister’s shoulder as her eyes searched the room for answers to this sudden change.

Kara’s smile too slipped away in the privacy of that embrace. Was this her change at happiness again? Or was this some glaring obvious sign from the universe that Alex needed to be told about the fighting before she heard it from anyone else, especially J’onn? Or did she even want the charade to end. Could she fudge her way through an evening of wedding plans and bridal worries and not let a second of it actually touch her heart and tomorrow go straight back to the all system go alien only hero she had been moments before? Could she do that without looking back? Without wondering what letting Kara back in again could mean? And if she did settle into this moment, if she let it be real, what then? Did she tell Alex the truth, all of it, no holding back and let the chips fall where they may? Or did she stay silent and give her sister this moment of happiness.

She chose the second.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Wake Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> First of all I just want to say that I totally repressed the memory that this title was actually a song. I have Ramin Karimloo’s old album and he covers this song by Muse super weird. Also I’ve now watched 3x01 and since it’s compatible with my vision I’ve decided to incorporate it and also the use of Psi in a later chapter as well. So this chapter Is set after those events so please don’t read unless you want spoilers.
> 
>  

 

Laughter was a strange look on her. Her pig tails tumbled and tangled in disarray from their ties and her cheeks flush with liquor yet that sound was what he found haunting as he helped her inside despite her erratic movements. It had been so long.

“D-do you remember that time Mon El and I had Arcarian ale? We were s-so floaty and- Oh I looked like this-…that’s funny!” she had become a toddler in need of a babysitter and snacks to sober her up but it was nothing he hadn’t handled before between his parents and Lyra.

“Oh hilarious! Now why don’t we get you down on the couch ok? There…nice and easy…” she flopped down and he fetched her a water and leftover pizza. Then perched up on the arm of the couch as she tried to navigate the slice he stopped, and smiled. All those months of waiting, of watching, of feeling helpless and lonely the gang had finally gotten her back a little bit. Tonight, he knew wouldn’t change everything, but it was a small step.

His smile softened as his eyes flicked over and his voice slipped to warm husk. “It was good to have you out tonight”

“No you are!” she giggled pointing a finger at him sneakily hiding behind which he mimicked with a huffed laugh. God Kara, you’re a mess but an adorable one. How had he forgotten how brilliant that smile was?

“Alright now, what else do you need?” He slipped back into old times of no boundaries, no fears, their already in sync intimacy.

“Jammies!” The slice of pizza, barely touched, hung from her teeth as her legs crossed and her hands shot up in the air excitedly.

“Right lady birds or alligators?” Winn called her over from the rail. Heavy winter pyjamas at least could give her something easy to get into and enough modesty that he could stay and keep an eye on he.

“Croccies!”

“Croccies it is…” he murmured finding the white shirt and blue pants littered with green cartoon animals with big gazing eyes that made his skin crawl. Anything childlike did these days after reconnecting with daddy dearest. “Right give me that” he slipped the pizza from her fangs and handed her the folded clothes. “And you go get changed”

Kara in a haze lacking all social boundaries started to change right then and there and it sent an old cold shiver down his spine before his mind caught up. “Oh hey hey! Wait not here! Hang on…” his eyes fell on waist and the dark marks along it. “Wha-…what are those?” His face began to scrunch and twist as his fingers slipped through his hair. Winn managed to sigh and point to the bruises as his tired mind tried to process what exactly was happening.

And with that her fun was over. The buzz dropped with a thud and she knew this was not going to be an easy conversation. “Nothing Winn…” she sighed getting up and stumbling a little towards the bathroom.

“Hey wait!” he tried to catch up with her hanging around like a persistent yapping dog swivelling from side to side and she charged on. “Kara, why-…why aren’t you healing?”

“They take longer. Special kind” she shut the bathroom door right in his face.

 

“Look we have to do something! I’m calling it now! Intervention time enough stalling. Last night was fun and all but she needs real serious help!” Winn paced in James office as Alex’s mind ran at a mile an hour over in the corner.

“Guys I’m happy to help but Kara doesn’t want to talk to me. She quit remember and Cat went back to DC and Lena is going to be here any minute so please…”

“Alright. You me. Coffee now” Alex ordered abruptly at Winn. Complete with pointed fingers and a slightly distracted gaze.

“Yes ma’am”

They rushed out as Lena waltzed in. “Oh the gangs all together. Nothing serious I hope.” She gave that bright brilliant smile he had come to understand more and more over the past few months.

“Nothing we can’t handle. Now your shares. How would you like to deal with all this?”

“I want to bring Kara back into the fold”

“As a manager?” He couldn’t help but sit up a little and feel a strike to his gut. Kara wasn’t ready and truth be told…he had done all this work.

“No as my advisor in these matters. Her usual position as a report. Or she can liase with me while she looks for other offers. Honestly I’m not sure what’s up with her lately”

“Noone of us are”

“The point is, I want you to know that she is in the picture, given your history”

“Noted thank you, Now what about Cat?”

“I don’t really know Cat. I’ve only ever dealt with you”

“Well I tend to listen to her. It is her vision after all. Her company.”

“Well not anymore”

“Lena…”

“Don’t treat me like an imposter, please…I Won’t to help. I won’t takeover. Cat can liase with you in whatever way legally necessary and we’ll divide our duties to give me time at L-corp. Sound fair?” Lena offered him her hand and once all avenues were explored in his mind he beamed and accepted just as Samantha passed the door.

“Yeah sure”

“And throw in a wee bonus for your little girlfriend too” She teased before heading out.

  
“J’onn…is walking me down the aisle!” They all beamed at the news around the island in DEO ops and Kara too even cracked what seemed like a smile. “No way!” and “that’s amazing!” tumbling from her lips until J’onn caught her eye and she knew he still knew. She knew her secret was out and her behaviour disapproved of by the closest thing she had to a father. How much worse could things get? His smile faded and a curt nod practically ordered her to tell Alex, and sooner rather than the later.

“This calls for ice cream! Kara!” Winn perched his brows her and the blonde was relieved at the sudden escape from J’onn’s rather direct gaze. “Perfect. Everyone! You are doing a great job. Keep tabs on the bad guys. This is Agent Schott out”

“You’re really loving the whole Agent thing aren’t you?” Supergirl chuckled softly with folded arms as the strolled to the lifts. It felt a little odd to be walking two by two again towards a lift, with smiles and office clothes and they almost slipped right back in time.

“What the job? Yeah of course! Aliens and tech it’s any guys’ dream!”

“I meant the title”

“I get a little kick out of being Top Nerd yeah!”

“You’re such a dork!”

“That’s the first nice thing you’ve said to me all year!” he risked referencing her six months of drifting away and was glad to see it didn’t strike a nerve and instead he just got a playful nudge.

“Yeah, well don’t get used to it!”

 

Samantha had barely slept. Those moments replayed over and over in her mind when her common sense had blurred and her love for Ruby had taken full hold, tearing the edges and shuffling her memories until she couldn’t quite recall how exactly she had one it only that one moment that beam was there and the next...All night she had scoured through those YouTube videos and news articles you hear of mothers lifting cars and fighting bears and…had it just been that? Yes that must have been it but then as she slept those distorted faces and haunted dreams had come. Those same pictures swirled in her coffee as the spoon kept going around and round.

“Is something the matter with Ruby?”

Sam started suddenly staring at him rattled before slowly realizing those worried brown eyes were on her. “Ah we…we went the revealing yesterday…” her eyes fell back to the silky foam as he quickly grasped her hand.

“Are you hurt?!” His heart was in his throat clutched tight in place as her fingers barely touched his own.

“No, I’m fine but Ruby almost was” Slowly she decided to play it off, that way she didn’t have to try to explain something she barely could herself. “And I saved her in this sudden motherly heroic moment! So I’m a little tired….”

“Go you…” he tried to mirror her smile as he kissed her quick. “Are you still a little upset?”

“No…She’s ok…Well, this city…”

“Yeah, it isn’t the safest but I promise you’ll be alright”

“You will?” she took the conversation back around to the pecks and teases.

“Mhm that’s my job” he beamed letting her tug him back in again over the café table until their food interrupted them abruptly.

 

“I thought we were going back to the DEO?” Kara did a double take as he missed the turn.

“Change of plans” Winn suddenly put his foot down to which Kara yelped, guarding her ice cream and looking for the exits.

“Winn! What the hell are you doing!?”

“An intervention! Alex and James helped…”

“They did!? Winn? Winn! Stop this car!” For a girl so used to speed something about the uncertainty and confined space made her heart race. Was something wrong? Was someone hurt? Had he been controlled or corrupted or “Have you completely lost your mind!?”

“You need a break and I need an explanation for those scars. I know a place where we can get both”

“I don’t NEED a break!?”

“You’ve been fighting crime non-stop for too long without a chance to breathe”

“So have you!?”

“Yeah but I have a girlfriend to go home to you. You haven’t been talking to anyone!” Once they were out of the city he finally slowed down as the road stretched out before them. “Look…” he sighed slipping his spare hand back onto the wheel and away from her. “Just let us help you”

“This is not okay…” Kara raised her brows at him which caused him to nod softly.

“I know, I’m sorry but we-…we couldn’t think of anything else? You…you yelled at James!”

“And I had everything under control! There was no need for a- …an intervention!” She threw up her hands surrendering to whatever preposterous scheme they had in mind. If going out last night hadn’t helped perhaps this would. She would try, therefore, to put on her best happy face and let the advice seep in instead of struggling against it. None of them could possibly understand what she was going through but they just wanted to feel useful and not so helpless and so she could give that to them.

“Look Kara…” Winn’s eyes never left the road. This had been a mistake. She was so mad at him, at all of them. If they had just calmed down and talked to her. Got her pinned down in one place then…” J’onn explained the bruises” he murmured unable to meet her eye, finally explaining his intense concern. “Alex is furious…So I thought if I came. It’d be less awkward” As always the brunette tried to inject a bit of humour into the darkness while stammering a little under her direct shocked gaze. Please forgive me…

“Oh…” she slumped a little in her seat as all the pieces clicked into place.

“Yeah…” he breathed smoothing his hair. “We were all worried really…”

“I’m fine…” she reassured softly finally turning to look at him.

“Are you though?”

  * \- -



A sudden knock on the car window jolted Kara awake to the sound of whistling wind and the glare of a sudden bright light. It was morning. Early too. A golden unending field blurred into sight like that of her visions it was soft and lush and billowing the wind and drowning in beautiful soft rays of sunlight. The greasy window blurred the edges and caught the light almost lulling her into a dream. This was not possible? Kara breath caught at the sight and her insides wound into knots.

This must be a dream, if it was she could slip right back into it, into feeling him again and seeing her again and being safe and at peace. Mon El would come and wrap his arms around her and her mother would guide her mind back to sanity. But if it was real…if this place before her was tangible and honest than that frightened her more. He could be here. He could’ve been here all along trying to reach out, trying to probe her mind and- What if he was in pain? What if he was in danger and all those times she had relived their moments was really some kind of hidden Daxamite message that called out to her for help.

“Kara?” The tap came again startling her to the presence outside the window. Her brows furrowed at the sight, still in a daze between asleep and awake.

“Ka-“ she brushed a few tears away until the fog finally lifted. “Kal-El?”

“Hey! Look who showed up!” Winn was ushering Lois out of the house as Clark helped a drowsy Kara from the car. “I mean I knew Clark would be here but this damn!” Her friend gittered excitedly honoured to finally met the Daily Planet report.

“You-...You brought me to Smallville?” Kara stared for a second amazed before being startled by a sudden hug from Lois. “Oh- oh ok! Hi! How are you?!”

“Good. I hope it’s ok I’m here. We’re housesitting for Martha for the weekend.”

“Oh no of course! It’s totally fine. We-…What exactly are we doing here?”

“I thought maybe Clark could get through to you. Cheer you up a bit or given you a big talk or whatevet it is that he does…He’s magical “ his voice dropped to a whispered giggle.

“Have you been driving all night?” she murmured back to which Winn feigned offense at his delirious state, but Lois quickly hurried him back inside to get some rest much to his protest. The hero fanatic wanted to see the two in training, but Miss Lane wouldn’t budge. He was getting some breakfast into him and then straight to bed.

“She’s great…” Kara sighed kicking a rock as her arms wrapped around herself awkwardly. The cousins were left alone outside, chuckling softly at the dramatics of their loved ones.

“Yeah…she is. He was good to do this for you”

“What? Winn? No! Winn kidnapped me! Lois is…she’s special. Don’t you ever give up on her”

Clark couldn’t help but worry as he saw her face fall and voice soon followed “Well, I’m glad he did. I wasn’t sure when I was going to get to see you again. When I left you seemed so…lost I guess.  I-“  


“You know” Kara quickly avoided the concern in his eyes walking towards those yellow fields that still felt a little daunting. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said and…” Kara watched her fingers brush through the reeds and grass “you’re right. You couldn’t have made that choice. Noone should have to. I was put in an impossible situation and I did the best I could but Clark…” She finally turned back to look at him in the middle of that shining sea. “He could be dead”

“You don’t know that.” He was quickly at her side keeping her chin raised and her shoulders firm “You survived space travel. We both did. He could be rebuilding Daxam as we speak, warts and all” That finally got a soft laugh out of her to which Clark brushed his fingers over her and gently pressed a hand to her cheek.  “I know it was hard. “ Kara’s eyes grew cloudy and she shrugged off his touch to be so close, so intimate and deep with someone was only risking unravelling all she was feeling inside. She could talk about parts of her feelings, pieces here and there, but to have all this time in the world and the possibility of unearthing it all…It…She knew that all the pain would flood in and the tears would come and so…She avoided it. Only dealt in what she could handle.

“You know, when I…When I met you. I finally had someone who could understand. The powers and the strength…and the loss.” Clark nodded softly kicking a dirt mound. “He was that for you. Not just your boyfriend but…”

“A Daxamite” she breathed brushing her hair away.

“Yeah. And if you need me to feel that void…”

“That’s not it”

“I…I blame myself. We are meant to be these all-powerful beings and I-…I couldn’t save him. I had to give him up. To save them. I- I panicked! If I had just had more time, I could’ve…come up with another option. I could’ve-!“

“Kara…you did all that you could, and he knew the risk he ran by siding with you. Wherever we go people are going to get hurt. All we can do is let them make that choice and protect them as best we can. I-“Clark stopped abruptly baffled at her laughter. A soft whimsical chuckle and bubbled from her throat. “What?”

And finally, she beamed.

“I thought I was meant to be the older wiser one”

  * \- -



“I don’t know how you two do it?” Winn breathed snuggling up on the couch.

“Do what?” Lois chuckled at this stranger making himself right at home but she fetched him some blankets anyway.

“Make it all work….” He sighed.

“Having some troubles?” The brunette perched herself on the edge of the couch amused at his openness and childlike behaviour.

For a moment Winn did feel like unloading it all on her. Of just spouting everything out in a flood of emotions and get everything of his chest. But he was just too tired to deal with all that plus Lyra would…That fear snapped him back into reality.  “Nah I’ll be fine…”

“Really?” Lois’ journalist instincts kicked in as she felt the boy quieten down but she let it slide focusing on her cereal.

“it’s just…he’s so…powerful and busy all the time and how does all that…” Winn’s eyes slipped open as he searched for the right word. How did he explain this? How did he express all these mixed emotions he couldn’t quite piece together inside “strength not spill over into your relationship?”

“Because Clark is really just a little farm boy”

Winn choked a little on the water bottle she had given him. Superman, his hero, was a big softie inside? That made sense given Kara but it was still a strange addition to his reality.  This hot shot reporter, this amazing superhero was actually soft and warm in his relationship? Lois almost seemed to hold the reins between them. “That’s it?”

“Yeah. I mean, yes, he’s an alien and fully grown man and all but he was raised here. Look around, this was his home. He was built in a warm loving home and that gave him strong foundations. Plus we were friends for years…I know I can trust him” her eyes wandered about the room falling on certain artefacts and old memories in a soft pleasant silence before finally landing back on the young man. “Why? What’s the deal with you?”

  * \- -



The Fortress was barren and cold. Wide empty spaces in all shades of blue. To be here, in the centre of their culture, with all the remnants of their society and all the echoes of Krypton and Daxam, felt strange. Everything had changed. This place was no longer a sanctuary and a space for her and Clark but a haunting reminder. Her eyes wandered the space feeling out the new association she felt to it as Clark fiddled with the screen. “I want to tell you a story about Helen Dartwell. She was a Minnesota housewife that had come to Metropolis to visit her son who was away at college.” The stream of photos and smiling faces and home videos swirled around the screens. “There was nothing corrupt about her. No reason she should’ve been sucked into the drama that day but she was. Helen was snatched by Chemo off the side of the road as a hostage while I was in pursuit.”

“She died…” Kara jumped ahead as her eyes searched the screen a pain slipping into her voice.

“She drowned because I couldn’t get there in time. I wasn’t able to save her because…”

“Clark…” Kara sighed feeling how this would loop back round to her problems.

“No let me finish. It’s not that. When Helen died I knew I wasn’t living up my full potential. I couldn’t be the full superhero I was supposed to be. I had let defeat seep in and cloud my judgement. I needed that loss to shake me out of it and to realize who I needed to be.”

“Wait the date says…Jonathon…” Kara sighed finally feeling all the pieces click into place.

“She was my first real mission after his death. And I failed. But you know what came next?”

“Larry Colder, Rachel Simmons, Marty Sooner. I saved all these people because I found something to wake up for in the morning. They gave me purpose and light in the midst of my grief and not just them. Lois was with me every step of the way, Jimmy too, even Perry. My point is. If you don’t let this go soon, and let people in as Kara and as Supergirl then you won’t be helping National City. You think you’re serving it best by being all Supergirl all the time but you’re doing it a disservice. You’re not fully yourself and you’re not the light that they need. The need the joy and hope of Kara Zor-El.” He gently lifted her chin. “That’s who you are. Not just a in and out hero or a lowily reporter. Your spirit is what inspires them not just your power and if you don’t show them that then what’s to stop them from losing hope too?”

“I don’t know if I’m stronger enough…” she breathed as shaky tears slipped in. “I don’t think I have anything left to give…”

“Then take your strength from others. From James and Alex…And Winn”

“I can’t ask them to do that”

“You’re don’t have to stand alone in this. You knew that before I ever did. You instantly brought Winn and James in and around you to support you. You were always a team. You need that Kara. You can’t do this alone, and you shouldn’t”

“H-How do I let them care about me when I know I messed up Clark? They all worry and fuss and ask questions that I don’t have the answer to! I- I can’t be all there for them. Not yet”

“Being there. That’s enough. The healing will come” Clark smiled softly as she finally seemed to settle into this feeling, to let it take hold over instead of struggling against her emotions. “They’ll take whatever piece they can get. I mean look at what Winn did. He knew you’d be mad at him. He knew that you were off getting hurt and being reckless but still he stayed by your side. They all did, just waiting for you to be ready. If they’ve waited all these months. Why do you think they won’t be willing to be wait for you to feel better huh?”

“You’re right…I- I suppose I just didn’t want them around. It hurts too much. They’re all so happy with their perfect lives and they-…Winn was his friend. It’s hard to look at him.”

“Did you tell him that?”

Kara was about to answer Clark, turning back around as she had paced the length of the cave but she found his back turned as his muscles tense. “What?”

“Something’s wrong… We have to get back”

  * \- -



 

Amber and lilac hues brushed over the tattered fields. A stream of smoke billowed across the plains and toward that lonely house in the middle of the farm. The gold reeds they had been lounging in only this morning were now in ruins as the sunset’s light hit shining metal.  Clark and Kara hurtled through the back door of the house quickly changing back into their normal clothes in case of any enemy and found Lois and Winn peaking through the blinds of the front door.  
“I said that button was only for emergencies. Please tell me you pressed it by mistake.”

“Sorry, peaches, but you’re going to want to see this, Look” Lois handed him her binocaulurs as Winn fell back into place with Kara and the couple huddled around the front door’s window.

“She wouldn’t let me go look until you arrived” Winn almost sulked at the possibility of adventure. “She said it could be dangerous.” He chuckled. “She’s such a mom”

But Kara was having none of It, her eyes were fixed on Clark. “Kal-El” his proper name came out in the tense urgency. “What is it?”

“Get dressed we should go outside” Clark was back in his outfit in an instant and Kara soon followed suit.

“Clark, What is it?” Kara hurried after him outside as the dust and debri blew passed them of the fallen space ship. “More aliens…” she murmured amazed at their timing but baffled at the distress that caused her cousin. Surely situations like this were common with more settlers coming by the day. “I don’t understand…”

Clark handed her the binoculars and guided her gaze. “Right there” Kara lifted the device to her eyes and followed his finger only to find…

“Mon-El”


	4. Valor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the length but this was a natural place to stop. I'm also sorry it took so long but I finally figured Mon El out. I hope you guys enjoy it. I decided to bump the Karamel scene to later in the story. 3x14 is just around the corner, Winn fans! Yay! Let me know what you think and any critiques. I promise we'll check in with Lyra and Sanvers soon. Life has been manic. Thank you for all the love!

Kara’s eyes never left that haunting fame through her binoculars lowered and rose again to and from her eyes over and over. Her vision remained fixed on…him. Her mind faltered, it stumbled and cracked at the impossibility of it all. This could not be real. Just like the dreams and visions of great mountain planes and golden fields it all felt like some figment. A pure delusion of heightened romantic reality.

 And yet he drew closer.

He still had those same eyes, those same smooth cheekbones, and he walked with a manner that was familiar and yet foreign all at once. It had to be him…or some other Earth’s version of him? Barry’s voice quickly reminded her. He could be a threat.

Kara dropped the binoculars from her eyes one last time and clasped them in a tight fist despite the gentle shaking that had spread from her knees. Supergirl took hold as Kara crumbled silently.

 

“Kal El!” The sudden sharp voice cut through the daze she had slipped into. She saw Mon El’s mouth move, saw that strange soft beard shift and those chiselled cheeks crinkle and crack at the shout and yet the voice was not his own. He was…hardened and rugged, weathered and determined…Older. “I must speak with you!”

Clark had already crossed half the field toward him in the time it had taken Kara to find her composure and an authoritative hand shot out in protest when she went to step forward. Reining in that ache to hurl herself into Mon El’s arms was not an easy feet. Painted coral toes curled within tight red boots to keep her planted to the ground. Instead, she utilized that same hyperawareness of his figure that had haunted her only moments ago to now scan his every inch for any difference or hint of a scheme. Any slight deviation from the man she had loved could expose him as some fabrication from another realm rather than just a new chapter of the same boy she once knew. Was that weathered air that hung about him and the thick beard a sign of the time they had lost or another life altogether? Was this her Mon El or a different Earth’s?

“Something’s wrong…” Winn murmured under his breath, ignoring a strange look from Lois. Kara had frozen. She never froze…

”I’m going out there” The slit of light from the drawn blind exposed the determination in his eyes. Lois stopped for a moment at that transition. One moment he had been an exhausted child curled up on her couch, the next there were clenched fists and nerves of steel at the thought of anyone hurting Kara. What infallible loyalty.

“Winn. Clark said-“

“I’ll stay back.” His eyes never left Kara as he reassured Lois without asking permission, knowing Clark would chastise him later. “I have to check on her. Go upstairs. Find a weapon. Keep safe. If Clark’s worried about little ol’ me. God knows he won’t want anything happening to you” And with that Winn was gone.

 

 

“James?!” Sam was startled at the sight of her boyfriend at the door, two coffees in hand. His beam was as bright and warm as always and yet she could only muster a small smirk in reply beneath her tired eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“Your morning coffee m’lady” He put on dramatic airs with teasing bright eyes and handed her the takeaway cup. “I thought I could take Ruby to school. Make up for the other day”

“Oh! There’s no need! It’s still early days…” she stammered slightly holding tight to the ajar door with her spare hand which she regretted the moment James notice. His brows furrows, his lip twitched, and then he chose to ignore it. It was strange to feel so uneasy with him here. This was her home, her most private life, and her child. This was the threshold and safeguard he had left to cross in their relationship and with all the craziness going on lately she felt her walls starting to go up. 

For a moment soft brown eyes danced over him as her tongue slipped between her teeth. If she let him in, if she opened up the entry to her world, there would be no going back. He would have to be worth it all. Worth properly knowing Ruby. Worth letting her daughter have the chance to love him. Letting her get so tangled up in a potentially new father figure that their relationship would be put under all new kinds of pressure.

Dating with children with never easy. Steps could never be taken lightly. Barriers could never be fully let down because they were not just your own. It was the heart of your child you also had to protect. Ruby had always lost one parent she couldn’t be abandoned by another due to her mother’s own foolish dating choices.

“How about I wait outside?” James ushered the conversation along gently, flashing yet another brilliant smile. He was always so sweet, so sweet and patient. Sam’s ears burned and she nodded and fetched Ruby for him. What was going through his head now? That she was turning off him…or simply that her house was a tip? She’d have to explain later but for now Ruby was going to be later.

“Ruby! Car’s here!” she walked out to the hall in order to shout up the stairs, chuckling softly at the sudden tumble and thud of rushing feet and then the little pop of a head over the bannister.

“Car? What car? I thought Jamie wasn’t carpooling until tomorrow?”

“There’s a friend of yours here to see you!”

The girl eyed her mother questioningly before grabbing her shoes and coming downstairs. As the brunette brushed passed her Sam was surprised at the nervous dance of butterflies through her stomach and up into her chest. This could be exciting….If she just stopped questioningly and let it be.

From the kitchen, she heard an excited “James!?” and the thud of a school bag as she assumed Olsen was receiving one of her famous koala hugs. Hearing his gorgeous laugh, Sam smiled softly.

 

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

Kara had to catch up sharp breath as Winn’s hands grounded her back to the earth with one on her back and the other giving her elbow his usual soft squeeze.

“I…” Worried brown eyes gnawed into the side of her cheek but she couldn’t tear her eyes away, simply handing the binoculars instead of forming a reply. Warm hands slipped from her skin leaving her cold and shaking again as he pulled away to look.

“Kara, I can’t s-…Holy shit…” Kara’s eyes flung closed at his curse, feeling something of her own pain flow over to him at the sight of his friend and feeling all the more exposed that he now knew the cause of her stoic frame. No doubt he would badger her with questions and concerns and only make this dreadful feeling all the worse. “Did you-….Did he…Oh wow! Kara-“

“Winn, Get back” Suddenly her gaze shifted from her ex and her cousin and locked on to something beyond them. Someone.

“Kara…” Winn started, lowering the device and looking worriedly between Kara and Mon El. She…She shouldn’t do this alone. Shouldn’t face him alone. If he-

“Back inside! Now!” All fear, all feeling melted away at the sight of blue skin, at the threat of another Kryptonian invasion, she was all mission, no funny business. Her jaw was set and her eyes hardened. He knew she meant it, that this was serious, but he couldn’t drag himself away from her, from Mon El, from the nagging need to know what was happening and the responsibility to help her.

“I- I know! It’s not safe. I see that… I’ll stay here. I promise.”

“Good!” Only then did she risk catching a glimpse into his eyes, full of pity, full of compassion, warm chocolate brown and aching for her sake. With a curt nod, she shook those feelings away and headed straight for the Brainiac.

As she flew away he turned his eyes back to his friend. How this happening? For many nights he’d lost sleep to dreams of him. Nightmares that his friend was suffering, or worse, floating lifelessly through space as the result of his very own lead poisoning. Not a day had gone by that he and Lena hadn’t blamed themselves not just for his pain but Kara’s suffering. Perhaps that was part of why he had stayed so close at hand, that and this old longing to be near her. They had wasted so much time apart. He had needed his friend.

When sleep hadn’t come he had lain awake with Lyra and talked of the stars. At times it would soothe him back into a gentler dream: the thoughts of glimmering lights and endless galaxies. Other times, he would find his mind whirring aware exploring every avenue for a possible planet Mon El could have escaped to.

 Now he was here in the flesh…and leaving.

Tentative white socked feet, now muddied between the reeds, stepped toward them shakily, anxious brown eyes darted between the blonde and the alien too far away to wave to and the Daxamite and Krypotian walking away…and gaining speed, preparing to fly.  “K-Kara…” Winn stammered feeling his throat began to clamp and his eyes widen. How was he supposed to stop this? To make them see each other? To get the answers all of them needed when Clark was leaving?

“Mon El!” He finally found his voice and all three friends whipped around to look at him and he heard the creak of a door behind him. Clenching and unclenching his fists he tried to take bolder strides forward, unaware of his own fear of seeing this man again…until this very moment. He lifted his eyebrows questioningly at his friend, unable to find the words. Where were they going? What was he doing here?

The thought that it may not even be him had never even crossed Winslow’s mind. Kara had met Barry so many times all his talk of speed force, and time travel and alternate realities had put her a tailspin but Winn now crossed that feel sturdy and sure that this was his friend. The only question was…how would he react to seeing him?

Mon El’s eyes remained guarded as the tiny flannelled man came towards him almost like a scene from one of their old movies, arms outstretched slightly, solid but wary steps and the slight breeze in the fluttering fabric. God! He was a nerd.

“Buddy…” Mon El breathed and hurtled towards him wrapping the man tightly in a bear hug and not letting go for a solid 12 seconds (Winn counted). That hug pulled all the tension Winn had been feeling out of him slowly, clinging to each other tightly afraid to let go and anxious to express all it was that they were feeling. This moment meant something, it meant so much and even with the classic bro pat on the back it still filled a part of Winn’s heart in which he hadn’t realized he’d been aching. He was back, he was alive, and Winn’s veins were flooded with relief.  When they pulled away to meet each other’s eyes bright smiles and watery eyes told all that needed to be said.

“Hey…” Winn murmured softly not sure where to begin. Everything else had melted away except him and the reality of his clothes and his hair and his skin. He was tangible and real and…amazing. “It’s ah-“

“I know” Winn startled a little at the sudden remark. The quick reply, the soft stoic voice. Mon El…was different somehow? Sturdier? Wiser? His presence brought an odd…safety and certainty. What exactly had been going on with him all this time? Where had been?

“Oo Nice beard!” Winn instinctively slipped back into the realms of comedy where emotions were safe and boundaries secure. “Choice job, mate!”

And he laughed. He entertained the humour for a moment shaking his head softly and looking away. Winn’s bright smile faltered slightly as he noticed Kara standing not far off. He gave her a quick look to which she nodded bravely. “Ah…you like it?”

“Like it! Please! You’ll kill all the ladies with that handsome little face!” he mimicked his old scrunchy face and hand at him and he saw the moment sink in. Mon El changed. His eyes fell to the ground and his mind drifted away to a different time. Picking up on that trail of thought, seeing how his eyes glimmered for a moment. The older man swallowed thickly, searching the grass for the right words and Winn could feel the atmosphere changing.

“Winn-“

“Behind you”

Turning slowly, he finally laid eyes on her: Kara, there, in the flesh. It was…everything Mon El had ever wanted and yet now at this moment, he couldn’t find the right way to move or speak. Where to begin, How to explain, How to act after such a long time? And she was here with Winn visiting her family? What did that mean?

“Kara…” he breathed eyes wide and voice breathy as his mouth moved to speak then fell closed again. He pursed his lips as her aching gaze forced his eyes to the ground.

“Is it really him?” Kara didn’t even address him at first and Winn caught a glimpse of what he expected what a flinch from Mon El. Instead, she looked between Winn and Clark one last time for confirmation her body clearly wound tight with held back empathy. They both nodded and that was it.

Only then with that reassurance in her mind, only then when the Earth was safe and the danger passed to Supergirl allow Kara back again. With a stifle, choke she threw herself at him mercilessly and desperately. Her arms wound tightly around him and she fought hard against the urge to cry. If she could just get through this conversation, this reconciliation then she could unwind all this emotion later. For now the world was spinning and his arms were closing in around and her and getting through the next five minutes and soaking in his embrace were all that moment. For the briefest of moments she allowed herself to cradle his head and close her eyes. Kara let out a long awaited sigh.

He was here.

He was safe.

She felt him crumple slightly against her assuming at first it was from pure emotion until she pulled back to see his face. “Where have you been?” she murmured in a private whisper clutching his face. “Are you hurt? Were you safe?”

“Kara-“but that same falter in his stance came again as she realized he head grown deathly pale. A rough cough knocked the wind out of him and she took on all of his weight, worriedly shouting him name along with another foreign female voice.

“Valor!” The Braniac amongst the crew hurried towards them something shinning in his hand.

Mon El from his compromised position saw Kara’s hands ball into a fist and he patted her skin reassuringinly. “Kara-“ they both sank to their needs amongst the thick tall reeds. “Kara it’s alright”

The blue figure knelt beside them and jabbed a needle into Mon El’s upper arm. “Lead poisoning. From your planet”

Winn’s eyes widened.

“It took me years to find the right solution” The medic checked over his comrade’s features and vital signs.

“Years?” Kara recoiled back onto her knees staring baffled between them as his crew gathered around. 

“Of course” The alien chatted away matter-of-factly. “Mon El joined our ranks some five, six years ago thanks to his precious Mia deathly ill I’m afraid and warped in the mind from the Phantom Zone. It took me months on end to get the balance of chemicals just right…” the man held up thumb and finger precisely with squinted eyes in gesticulation before patting Mon El on the back as some colour began to return to his face. A proud smile brushed over the blue figure's lips at his accomplishments. “But as you can see it now only takes him a few minutes so long as he keeps taking his shot” The man’s voice slipped into a chiding authoritative tone two which Mon EL nodded along still catching his breath. “If it wasn’t for his stubbornness in staying up all hours and skipping injections he wouldn’t have crashed Imra’s precious ship!”

“Tell her I’m sorry…” Mon El waved him off with a still hoarse voice but Kara managed to help him to his feet.

“Mia? Imra? A Braniac? Who are all these people?...Mon El?” Kara asked wearily, a little afraid of the answer, ducking her head to catch his gaze, waiting expectantly with bright eyes.

“My Legion. Well Tasmia’s” his eyes drifted away, much more concerned with his feet. She knew that look. She remembered It and it didn’t bode well.

“And she is…?” Kara avoided the shift in the air between them by looking over at his crew scrambling to fix the ship. Two women, two men. Was it foolish to hope that they were both couples? That they way Mon El’s voice slipped at this women’s name didn’t mean anything. “Mon El…how long have you been away?”

“Kara, I…”

“Mon El. Your news?” Clark stepped into suddenly, anxious to get to the Fortress and Kara wanted to throttle her younger cousin for it.  One moment he was spouting off condolences the next he was denying her much needed answers…There was something in his eyes…Something forlorn and sympathetic and she nodded, giving them permission.

“G-go…” she waved Mon El off, feeling his hesitancy, reading some deep emotion in his eyes she couldn’t quite place. “I-I’ll be fine…”

The toothless smile did not reach her eyes.

 

The Kent household was eerily silent except the crunch of sandwiches and cereal. Lois was ferrying cups of coffee and substance out to the trio repairing the ship while the rest of the Legion had gone with Kal-El to the Fortress. Kara had nothing left.

Winn kept flicking his eyes to her, brushing them over her slack sullen frame worriedly before returning to his tablet and mindless social media. It was strange that she hadn’t gone charging off into her usual danger and yet…he got that. Seeing Mon El it was…frightening, draining even, plus she had been wound so tightly for so long, in grief and worry it was no wonder it now all came crashing down. It would still be nice to hear some peep from her though…just to check she was going ok.

Kara’s ears had started ringing. Blurred swirling patterns of dust and steam danced passed her distant eyes and through rays of glorious golden sunlight and she sat aimlessly at that dining table with her breakfast half touched. Mon El…Mon El was alive. She had felt him beneath her fingertips and heard him with her own two years. Winn and Clark had seen the same figure before them. He wasn’t a half-remembered dream or a sleep-deprived hallucination. He had been very much real and very much…changed.

“Who is he…?” she breathed unaware of anything else but her own mind racing.

Hearing that sudden crack in the silence and the shake In her voice Winn’s head shot up. Finally…something. “I…I don’t know I guess Clark will find out!” he tried to wave it off with a smile but still her eyes were empty.

“Hey…” he reached for her hand across the table. However, once their skin met he realized that what he wanted to say once exactly as comforting or distracting as he had originally intended. Instead, Winn found himself holding her hand firmly and meeting her eyes confidentially and reassuring. “You can do this”

“What if I can’t?” she barely breathed her lips shaking around the words and tears finally broke free. 

He was up on his feet in an instant coming around to hold her tightly, unsettled at the sight of her tears.

Burying herself in his shirt as he stood, and sheet sat Kara gripped it tightly needing that sturdy mast in all this calamity. To face him. To unravel all that had happened in this time apart. To potentially lose him all over again undoing months of trying to break free of this grief could…could drain her completely.

“Aw…hey…” he cooed softly under his breath as she exhaled shakily and snuggled tightly. “Do you want me to call Alex?”

Pulling back, she pouted debating the question and fighting back tears staring up at him questioningly. “Yeah…actually….”

“Sure…” he smiled softly “just let me grab my….” He quickly untangled himself pecking her head and hurrying off to find his phone. No one memorized numbers these days. He almost wished he had so that this could all be over that much quicker. 

Kara watched him upturn couch pillows and rummage through handbags and swipe away messy kitchen counters to no luck all the while muttering to himself. His hair awry, his nose still a little puffy, and his shirt a tear-stained crinkled mess. He was really was amazing, wasn’t he? Adorable, and awkward and made of pure loyalty. The truest friend in the whole world. Through watery eyes, a smile shone for a moment as she watched him rushing about anxiously and all for her sake. Why had she ever drifted away from him?

“There you go” he suddenly appeared with the phone on and already calling. It tied her chest into a knot at the thought of all she had to say. Kara stared at it bewildered. “You can take it in the car or upstairs maybe…I don’t….”

“The guest room is upstairs and first on the left…” Lois walked past with a full load of washing, loose pieces tumbling from her hands as she tried to make others stay.

“I’m gonna….” Winn motioned to Winn gently placing the phone in her hands. “Take your time OK? DEO pays the bills anyway…” he toyed and they both chuckled softly. Pinching her cheek he rushed off after Lois.

Only once she was upstairs locked away in that private room with the comfort of her protective older sister did the shock shake off and the tears finally come. Tears that Winn could just make out over the whirring drier in the laundry below.


End file.
